Honest to Hedgehog
by DeppleICk
Summary: If Mello and Near were normal than Matt was a hedgehog. L might have just done something very stupid or incredably smart - in any case, Mello needs to vent.
1. Chapter 1

AN/ This came out of nowhere. No I am not continuing it, this is just the beginning to let your thoughts wander.

-

**Honest to Hedgehog!**

If the world was made for people like Mello and Near then Matt was a hedgehog.

Mello was a supposed boy with an obsession for chocolate and a leather fetish – and a temper, a very big temper. Near was the polar opposite. He enjoyed toys meant for eight year olds, white puzzles, and absolutely nothing else. He didn't feel a thing.

Mello and Near were very lucky they were geniuses because they would be total outcasts in the real world.

Then there was Matt. Video game, furry vest, striped shirt Matt. He was a boy who could have come straight out of Hot Topic and Radio Shack and was in that way the only normal person at Whammy's. Too bad Matt likes hedgehogs.

L was the king and he was just as out of place as Matt and Mello but unlike them, L knew he didn't belong in the real world. Matt did, and perhaps that is the reason for his final dissection.

Maybe Matt wasn't the smartest.

Maybe Matt wasn't the most motivated.

Maybe he was a bit lazy and unfocused.

But Matt was chosen by L to _be_ L and that was enough.

. . . Or it would be once Mello finished venting.

"What. The. Hell. Matt!"

"Hrm."

"I mean, you . . . you are third! Near and I . . . we were . . . you aren't . . . "

"Uh-huh."

"What was L _thinking_ making you – no offence – his successor! It doesn't make any sense!"

"Uh-huh."

". . . are you even listening to me?"

" . . . "

"Matt."

" . . . "

"MATT!"

" . . . the hell, Mello!"

Deep breath: in, out, in, out. Good. Mello, despite every thing, liked Matt and didn't really want to blow his brains out with the shiny gun oh-so close to his hand. At least that was what he was trying to tell himself.

"Forget it. Pack your bags, we leaving."

Matt didn't even look up. "Huh? Where we going?"

"Japan you idiot! You're L now; you've got a case to solve!" Honestly!

"Oh. . . Wait! I'm WHAT now?!"

* * *

Thousands of miles away Ryuk chuckled eerily and Raito shivered. Some thing wrong was coming; some thing very bad.


	2. Chapter 2

_**The Hedgehog!**_

-

_Chapter Two_

-

"Do you think he turned into a vampire?"

"Who?"

"L of course."

". . . no, Matt."

"Well, I know he's not a zombie, Mello. L is way to cool for that."

". . ."

"Maybe he used some special serum to fake it you know. He and Watari are probably sitting around drinking tea in some super secret L cave."

"Matt. . ."

"I bet that Light guy is in on it too. I mean, no offence to L, but the whole chaining himself to the guy was a big much. There was defiantly another motive at work there."

". . . I doubt it."

"No that I blame him mind you. That Light is gorgeous! Totally gay too!"

"Matt. . ."

"I concur."

"Er, Mello. Did your bag just talk?"

35,000 feet above the Pacific Ocean, in a special private plane, Mello and Matt shared a brief look of disbelief. Then they looked at the large duffle bag with narrowed eyes. There was only one person who had a voice like that, only one, and his name was. . .

"Near?!" The boys screeched. Mello flew at the bag and ripped the zipper down. Looking flushed and ruffled (adorably in Matt's opinion) the albino boy sat up looking a little smug.

"What the hell? Is the world trying to torture me?!" Mello cried in shock. He grabbed Near by his collar and yanked him completely out. "What are you doing here?!"

Near did not look ruffled. Instead of responding his black eyes traveled the red-head behind the blonde. Matt blinked back owlishly.

"Hello L. I thought you might need assistance in the case that killed your predecessor."

"You mean you want revenge," Mello translated instantly. Near's eyes flickered to him momentarily.

"Yes," he agreed. Matt groaned.

"Well that's just great," he muttered. Oh no, he couldn't just have one psychotic partner. Now, the one person he could count on to be unflappable suddenly decides to go out for murder. Perfect. Matt stuck out his tongue.

"You guys suck," he said simply. Near and Mello stared at him wearing identical expressions of bashfulness. Matt rolled his eyes and gave up.

_Whatever!_ He just wanted this flight to be over.

-

Matt didn't get his wish until half a dozen hours later. Thoroughly annoyed by the constant squabbling of Near and Mello, Matt hunched off the plane a pack short of cigarettes (to the pilot's dismay) and shooting off glares like bullets. They did nothing against Near – who was the equivalent of a brick – and Mello – who completely owned the red-head – but they did create a nice personal bubble for Matt to sulk in.

Roger picked the three up right on time in a nice black stretch limo that made Matt just knew was going to be added to Mello's fetish list. As they climbed into the slick monster (Matt carrying the duffle bag which held and hid Near) Roger's old face appeared on the TV screen.

"Welcome L," Roger said at once. Matt groaned. There was no way he was going to take this, especially since Mello looked like someone had just shot him.

"My name is Matt you senile old man," he snarled.

"Not any longer it isn't," Roger replied. "You are L."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"Listen dude. I can have you replaced," Matt threatened. Roger actually blinked at that one.

"Excuse me?" the man stuttered.

"You heard. Don't mess with me, you ain't my Watari."

"Now young man - !"

Matt snapped. Though he was really enjoying the interesting maroon color Roger was turning he had had enough. The man was going to pay for acting all high and mighty – that and being the evil man who caught Mello and himself when they pranked people. "Alright, out of the car. You are fired," Matt declared. At Roger's disbelieving face Matt glared. "I meant now!"

A second later, the screen went back and the boys were left in relative peace. Mello and Near were jaw dropped at Matt's uncommon display of fury.

"What?" Matt shrugged self consciously. Near blinked and shook his head and Mello merely grinned.

"That was awesome," the blonde commented.

"Thanks," smiled Matt. "Now," he coughed impressively. "As the new and officially promoted Matt (not L mind) I decree that Near shall be my new Watari."

"What!" Mello exclaimed.

"Pardon?" questioned Near. Matt ignored them both.

"And as such," he continued unfazed, "He shall now be known as Fluffy-Nutters and nothing else. Also, I pronounce that Mello shall be made my Chief of work and other boring stuff I don't want to do. In other words, when I am busy with all my important stuff (coughMariocough) you shall be in charge. In addition, Fluffy-Nutters shall be Mello's bitch.

"That is all."

It was then that Matt noticed his two underlings had fainted.

"Well, this is interesting," he mumbling. Shrugging, he hopped in the driver's seat and took the wheel.

-

AN// I wasn't sure if I was going to do anything else with this story but it turns out it is a fun way to get rid of writer's block. Don't bother reviewing if you think I'd beg for it.


	3. Chapter 3

_**The Hedgehog!**_

-

Chapter Three

-

It was half an hour later that Matt pulled the keys from the ignition. He was parked before a very tall and impressive building. It was very new as well and to Matt's well trained eye, it was very well secured.

He glanced back at the still unconscious boy behind him and then shrugged. Matt hopped out of the car, locked it, and approached the front door. When he discovered said door to be looked, he shrugged again, and raised his big, black book.

Wham!!

The glass door fell away with a satisfying amount of destruction. Matt stepped through, his boots crunching on the glass, and surveyed the room inside. I was impressive for sure; dark with a high tech security system in place. Already an alarm was going off. Matt made his way through the airport like security (not minding that each one made a new alarm go off) and then headed for the elevator.

He typed in the usual Whammy codes and the elevator opened up.

"Okay, first floor," he sang reaching for the button. _Ping! _The elevator began to rise. Matt grinned. Just then he noticed a little black box in the corner. Camera, he thought. Darn!

He flipped the thing the birdie.

-

"Hey you, stop!"

As much as it displeased Matt to have random Japanese guys yelling at him he did not want any trouble with the police quite yet. He hadn't even done anything illegal in this country (as he owned the building he had broken into, after all) so he knew the cops couldn't charge him. The red-head stopped walking.

"Yeah?" he asked looking back over his shoulder. There were three men racing towards him wearing extremely harassed expressions. Matt figured they felt threatened by his super-sneaky ninja skills – no one had to know he just had the cheat codes.

"Put your hands wear I can see them and turn around slowly!" commanded the eldest looking cop. Matt did turn around but only as much as a cat might; his hands were in his pockets fingering a little box of cigarettes that he had forgotten about. Good thing the police didn't know he was only 16.

"Er, why?" he asked evasively. As he predicted his nonchalant attitude had the men stopping in their tracks giving him time to sweet talk. "Listen dudes," he began in his best patronizing voice, "If you all clear out now, I won't call the cops and have ya'll arrested for trespassing, kay?"

Now he had really stopped them. Gone was their earlier rage, replaced with mass confusion. The older cop who had yelled at him before seemed to be in charge. He addressed Matt with a strict tone to hide his confusion.

"You need to come with us," the man said in top cop form.

"Why?" Matt wanted to ask again but by now he felt he had messed with his future tack team enough. He agreed with laid back, "Kay," and then he was so kindly escorted to the elevator by weapon wielding strangers. Together, they rode the elevator to the tippy top floor – L always did have a flair for dramatics – in relative peace. Matt hummed as they when to make up for the lack of conversation much to the police's displeasure. Their act of being big and scary was failing miserably mainly due to the youngest of the cops, Matsuda, getting his tie caught in the elevator doors. Matt found this absolutely hilarious but made a real effort to stifle his laughter. He figured the police were feeling emasculated already.

The elevator doors opened to reveal a large, airy fortress of computers. The room's décor screamed L so hard it made his chest hurt to remember his quirky idol. He officially and affectionately nick named the room the L-cave.

The real shocker came from the figure the three police led him up to. The guy Matsuda loyally introduced as Light Yagami was just barely a lick older than Matt and so clearly smug that it made the red-head want to barf. No one should look smug after a mere introduction – no one, but this kid did. Matt knew right away that Light was going to be a pain. The smoker sat down in a wheelie chair opposite Light, ready to rage war. Too bad Light got in the first question.

"Who are you? What were you doing down stairs?" Light demanded at once. Only because Matt knew it would get under the other's skin, he put on an easy going book.

"I'm Matt," he said chirpily. "I'm looking at real-estate." Watching that sink through he added his earlier threat to call the cops.

"Pardon," stuttered Light.

"Yeah, I got kicked out of my last place so I figured I might as well move in here. I just inherited this building you see. A friend of mine just died recently and left me everything." He struggled to keep his smile on, then gave up and dripped it. "I think you know who I am talking about too. He went by the name of L."

No one moved in the aftermath of Matt's words. The police wore varying signs of disbelief to grief. It was Light's reaction that made Matt do a double take. Light didn't look upset over a reminder of a very recent death, he looked right pissed off. The trained detective part of Matt filed this under suspicious behavior while outer Matt nodded glumly.

"Yes. Yes, it was a tragic loss," Matt winced at his own mechanical words; it was so not his style. He shook him self and put up a smirk. "However, it does leave us with a bit of a problem. See I inherited everything. Including the Kira case . . . and for that matter, you guys."

"WHAT?!"

Even after years of dealing with a PMSing Mello, Matt was terribly simplistic when it came to emotions. His understanding mainly consisted of giving the upset person some form of chocolate so they wouldn't bite his head off. He didn't think it would work with Light and the police.

"So yeah," he said to ease the building silence. "Awkward."

"I don't believe it," the oldest cop muttered shaking his head in denial. "Ryuzaki never mentioned . . ."

One of the other cops snorted. "He didn't tell us anything important, Chief."

"I want proof," Light said. Matt could easily see through his egotistical exterior and into the shaken part below.

"Sure," Matt agreed. He casually walked up to the largest monitor and let his nimble fingers run across the keys. Seconds later and the computer beeped happily. Matt stepped back to admire his word. "You lost all of your information when Watari died, correct? Well, its back now. No need to thank me."

The collective surprise of the task team was all Matt needed to know he was in.

-

AN// Oh, yes. Power to the pointlessness of this crappily written fanfiction. Whatever, I just needed to write.


	4. Chapter 4

_**The Hedgehog!**_

-

_Chapter Four_

-

Matt sat at his computer feeling as if he was forgetting something very important. For all he tried he couldn't think of what. It was not several hours since Matt had tamed the task team and everything was running smoothly. That one cop who kind of looked like an ape and just faded in the background was Mogi. Not much to say about him. The older cop turned out to be Light's father Soichiro and he was working with his son in entering the data found the week after L's death. Meanwhile, Matsuda was quickly becoming Matt's favorite lap dog. Not only did the young cop bring him coffee and cigarettes but he also provided constant humor relief.

Matt sighed again, something still was wrong.

"Are you sure you should be smoking?" Light asked a computer down. "You look awfully young."

"I'm 16 and you're a moron," Matt snapped. Stupid pretty boy trying to steal his smokes. "Monkey, get me a lighter!" Matsuda jerked up from where he had been busy at work making everyone sandwiches and just generally demeaning himself.

"Here," the young cop said bringing in Matt's coffee. The red-head groaned in bliss. Nicotine and caffeine – the perfect combination.

"Ah, what would I do with out you, Matsuda. I'd be nowhere near as far - !" Matt face slapped himself - Fluffy-nutters! Mello! How had he forgotten about them!

"Mogi, Soichiro, there is limo parked on the curb out front. There should be a sexy-pants blond and an albino little boy knocked out inside. Go get them and bring them here. Matsuda, I'll need a dozen chocolate bars on the ready."

"Right!" The three chorused. Already they were becoming his loyal followers. They departed to their designated posts giving Matt a fuzzy feeling of power.

"What's this all about?" questioned Light.

"Oh nothing," Matt said. "I just hope they didn't die from the heat of being in a locked car in the sun for, oh, five hours. That's how we lost Yurdle . . . he was such a good turtle . . ."

Regardless to say, Light was already becoming adapted with dealing with the spastic team. He gave up any more questions and settled for curiously awaiting the arrival of his minions. Said two men returned within five minutes carrying Matt's buddies over their shoulders. At Matt's request, they placed they sat them up in chairs.

"Cooleo," Matt said. Then, sensing Light's curiosity churning like lava, he explained. "The blond is Mello my chief of everything and the other is Fluffy-nutters. Both out rank you, congratulations." Watching just long enough to see Light's stricken face, Matt picked a candy from Matsuda's arms and considered it carefully. It wasn't L's brand unfortunately, but it would have to do. He peeled the wrapped off with the ease of practice and then slowly, hesitantly poked Mello squarely in the forehead. The blonde's face scrunched once and that was all the warning there was before Mello's eyes exploded open.

"Matt, you little fucker! You get your skinny fucking ass - !"

Just like that Matt crammed the candy into his best friend's mouth and watched as Mello returned once again to bliss. Near had awoken in the hail storm of Mello's awakening and was looking around completely nonchalant – for now.

"Good morning, honey bunches!" He crooned. "Guys, these are my slaves the task team. Er – Light Iamgay over there, Soichiro, Monkey Matsuda, and Mogi. Yeah, um you can have everyone but Monkey, he makes coffee."

Mello did his usual glare around the room and continued to munch is candy. Near – or should we say Fluffy-Nutters - was being his normal self.

"Um, yeah. Task team, this is Mello and Fluffy-Nutters. Enjoy." With a dramatic bow, Matt stood and made an impressive exit. It was only after the elevator doors shut behind him that he pulled out his Gameboy and started up his Pokemon. They would never know!

Except for the whole cameras thing.

-

They found him earlier than he predicted. They being Mello and the time being a little past two in the AM. They were not very amused and Mello proved that point by ramming his foot into Matt's ribs.

"Ow! Good day to you too!" Matt wheezed clutching at his side. Mello grabbed him by the collar and hefted him to his feet only to slam him against the wall. _Very grumpy! Eep!_

"Er . . . Hiya Mells. Is it work time already?" he asked sheepishly.

"No shit," Mello growled looking very well like he'd rather beat the crap out of his friend rather than drag him up stairs to work as had been his original intention. Matt sensed this with his borrowed Spidey sense and squirmed a little.

"So, elevator?" he directed hopefully. Mello kinda growled and Matt kinda of coward. Eventually Mello reigned himself in dragged his red-haired friend by the collar out of the room he had crashed it. However, much to Matt's dismay Mello turned away from the elevator and approached the stairs. _Physical exercise! No, I'll never do it! Nooooooooo - !_

"Mells no! Anything but that! I sweat I won't do it again! I promise!" Matt begged to Mello's deaf ears.

"I don't think so," Mello smirked. "Go on." He gestured to the stairs. "It'll be good for you."

"Noooo! Mello don't make me do it! I'll be good, I promise!"

"Start climbing."

"Eeep! Isn't there anything I can do? I'll kill Fluffy-Nutters for you! Um . . . I'll let you butt rape Light!"

"What?! No! Go."

"I'LL GIVE YOU MY MONKEY!!"

Mello actually blinked at that one. "You mean Matsuda?" he asked. Matt nodded eagerly, tears steaming down his face. _Just down make me work! _

"Deal," Mello agreed. He hitched up Matt by the collar again and took him back to the elevator much to the red-head's relief. When they got to the top floor the Task Team was suspiciously quiet, and Matsuda was even blushing.

"Voyeurs!" Matt hollered at them unable to stand the silence. He got a few chuckles and chokes for his effort.

Mello dropped him off right in the middle chair before a computer that was already brimming with open files. There was paperwork filed to his waist swimming around the computer and a rather large computer above showing a pretty blonde girl sleeping.

"Now work," Mello ordered taking the seat beside him. Matt gulped and nodded. Mello was scary! He was a few files in when a sudden thought seized him.

"HOLY COW IS THAT MISA-MISA!!! YOU PERVERTS!"

-

AN// Oh, yes. I did it. It is about time someone called those icky voyeurs what they truly are!


End file.
